Saddest Farewell

Today has been an incredibly difficult day for me and the rest of my family. My cat Felix had to be put to sleep due to having fluid on the lungs and her body starting to shut down. She was 15 and her health had deteriorated recently but last night she took a turn for the worst. My husband is currently away on tour with his band for a month too so it meant I was on my own, fearing the worst and trying to keep Felix comfortable and loved on what I knew would be her last night :( She is not suffering anymore but it hurts my heart so bad to know I had to make the decision to let her go. I was barely a teenager when she came into my life so more than half my life later, it is one of the hardest goodbyes I have ever had to do.

I am unsure when I will be ready. Whether it is something I want to do straight away or once the pain has eased. But I decided I want to scrapbook this experience to make sure Felix remains a well documented part of our lives due to the importance she will always have for myself, my husband and my parents. So I have just typed up the emotions I am feeling today, so that I can add this to an envelope on my page when the time comes.

On 29^th November 2011, I had to say goodbye to you Felix. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. You had fluid on your lungs and your kidneys had started to fail so it was not fair to let you suffer. You had been becoming frail for a while. You lost so much weight and were breathing heavy and sneezing lots. But you were still eating everything in sight… even most of Villain’s food. You still jumped up on the chair beside me or gave us your big cranky meow when you wanted dinner… or wanted some of our dinner. Chicken was your favourite.

You’ve been in my life since 1996. More than half of my life. It was September and we just came home from Portland for a family holiday and Tanya brought you over. She used to have your sister Jasmine who looked just like you with your big thick grey coat.  You were my cat and I loved you so much. I will always love you and miss you. You were never a very cuddly cat. You hated walking or sitting on people but you were fine to be picked up and cuddled sometimes. You loved to be pat or brushed and would purr so loud at the slightest thing. Sometimes we just had to look at you and you would start purring.

Even as a kitten you had a really loud purr. Back then you used to sleep on my chest and your whiskers would tickle my face. I can’t remember when you stopped sitting on me but you still liked to be nearby. Even on your last night you stayed where I could see you and I could not sleep because I wanted to know you were okay. You slept in the doorway of my room, with your heavy breathing and barely moving. But it was reassuring to still hear you. And you purred for me on your last day.

Last night I cried so hard because I knew I was going to have to say goodbye to you. I lay on the floor with you and pat you and made sure you knew how much I loved you. Simon was not here to say goodbye. I know he wished he could have. You were so loved by us both Felix.

I think I knew once I took you to the vet today that it was unlikely you would be coming home, but that did not make any of it any easier. I gave you a last big hug and a kiss and told you I loved you. I couldn’t be there when you were put to sleep because it breaks my heart too much knowing we had to make that decision. You are at peace now. No more pain. We are having you cremated so you can still be part of our lives even if you are not still physically here.

I am going to miss everything about you my Felix. Your deep, husky purr. The way you would talk back to us if we meowed to you. The way you snored in bed. Those great memories of times you would come running to bed as soon as we were in bed, meowing frantically for attention. Having you sit beside me on the arm of my chair or glare until I made room for you. The way you enjoyed being brushed. And the adorable way you would sometimes curl around my arm when I would rub your belly. I will miss everything about you and the family that we were together. You, me, Simon and Villain.

All my love forever to my beautiful Felix xo